I want the answers I want...

This week has had my questioning a lot of things...Does anyone ever feel like "things just aren't going the way they should?" and "this can't be part of any good plan?"

I have spent a lot of the last few years trying to figure out this puzzle that seems to be my life.

Sometimes things will go your way and you'll feel like the luckiest person on the planet, as soon as that thought enters your mind something else will come and knock you down.

Not this is all about problems or whining....But this week I have realized well....that I have issues. Someone else's good news can make me angry at times. I don't really know why, I'm sure I am happy for them somewhere inside...

It was brought to my attention this morning from "a little bird" (you know who you are) that I can look on someone else's circumstances and be envious of what they have or their mentality and they might be looking back at me and wanting what I possess.

So I can feel sorry for myself that my daughter has Cystic Fibrosis and that I can't have another baby without that possibility....Or_____________________________________?

I am sordoph stuck there....OR what? I can tell you what you want to hear me say....but will that make it true?

Don't get me wrong...I know I am lucky! Everyday my child amazes me more and more and I could not imagine her any different.

Well I said that but I lied...I could imagine her without Cystic Fibrosis...This is how it would go: She would wake up in the morning...and eat whatever she wanted...mommy wouldn't be saying no to foods that aren't high in fat and calories. We could forget the enzymes. After that we would watch her favorite movie...we wouldn't have wait until we did Chest Percussion Therapy for that...so she would forget that she has to do this twice a day for the rest of her life...we would then go outside and play or anything else she wanted to and not worry she was sweating too much & loosing sodium or for that matter burning up those precious calories...We could sit together and talk about when she will go to school and what she will be when she grows up...and not have to think of anything but just that...and believe it....

I know that God can heal all wounds of the heart, all sickness, all situations...and he has mended my wounds but they are not healed...I can look at this blog and know that I am progressing in my struggles, because for the longest time I would not speak of it.

I know that this post may not be the most uplifting or fun, but this week there have been some things that have got me wanting answers...

I feel like if God would show me a vision of Ayla being an old woman surrounded by her siblings, her children, and grandchildren...that it would make it all worth it to me...

But I suppose that's like a scientist forming a conclusion from a hypotheses....His end result may be the same but it wouldn't have merit unless it was proven through experiments...

We all want the answers we want. We may not get the answers we want. That's the scary part. I guess we just have to enjoy the life we have while waiting for those answers and hope for the best.

*To waiting....and seeing....CHEERS* ding-ding.....

love,