"Worry-Way & Angst-Alley"

I got a call this week from Shands Liver Clinic about Ayla's labs done on June 30th...Apparently some sort of protein came back elevated and they have ordered repeat labs and best of all...an Ultrasound of her Liver.
I got the orders in the mail today and it said:

ABD U/T-

Evaluating for Liver Mass

(Mommy begins to worry after reading that)

I was invited to go on a Girl's weekend with a group of ladies from my church to the beach @ Seaside.  When I first called the hospital to get this done, it looked like it would be Monday before they could get her in.

I made the appointment but knew that I would not be able to enjoy this weekend with that weighing on my mind.  So I called back...and begged...It's scheduled for tomorrow at 3pm.  She has to fast after 11, so we will be getting up early to be sure we get breakfast and lunch in before that.  

I just hope that "Dr. Krista" doesn't over-analyze this test and make myself believe I see something that's not there.  Last time the radiologist actually performed the Upper GI and was kind enough to give me play-by-play updates.  

Every time a parent with a child who has any sort of illness sees the name of their Dr on caller ID your heart stops.  Ayla dealing with Cystic Fibrosis and Billiary Attresia has me always on edge...looking for signs of things going wrong.

  

Why must I do that?  Why do we look for the bad instead of count on the good?  I guess it's because as parents and caretakers it's my job to diagnose problems at first glance...make the call whether or not to alert any "back-up" or take it on myself.  

The thing is I know CF, I know Billiary Attresia, I've read the reports- I know the signs of sickness.  And I don't care who you are....or how much faith you have....when your child has a illness....the "bad thoughts" are always in your head.  It's an act of faith to tuck them away in a place where you won't forget the fear but won't allow it to take-over either.  

Thats where mine is...it has taken up residence at the corner of "Worry-Way" & "Angst Alley" and it's not going anywhere for quite some time.  But I don't think I would want it to, I think that fear manifests itself in an intense sort of "instinct" that takes over in times of need.  It allows me to "feel" the difference in a common bout of upset stomach or an actual problem...I'll feel that fear come over me and I know not to dismiss it.

This test tomorrow is likely to be nothing...and I will have to tuck my fear away again in it's place and go on with my life.   

But that's just the way I'd prefer it....not forgetting just believing....

Please pray with me, that's the case-and that Ayla's liver looks better than normal!

~krista