The worst kind of heartache....

Tonight seemed like any other night, Ayla and I had just made "Not Yo Mamas Banana Pudding" together and it was time for treatments. She walked over slowly....and said she wanted to be normal and not have CF. Those words always catch me off guard and take my breath away. I told her I understand but what's normal anyhow!? She dragged herself over to her treatment center and I could feel her welling up inside. I put down the dishes and went over to her and got to her just before she lost it. I got down on the floor with her and that's where we stayed. She was hurting so....."why don't I have any cf friends?" "Why am I always sick?" "I don't wanna drive hundreds of miles to the dr" "I don't want to go in the hospital again" "I don't want to do this jacket all the time" 

My mind was racing, what do you say to a child who is different to make them feel like they are not? How do justify the need for dr's, treatments and hospitals without being insensitive to the fact that is SUcKs! 

I felt myself pray, and say "I can't do this god" 

We prayed, we cried, we read her life verse in the bible (Isaiah 61) I asked if she wanted to write in her "angry journal" she said she did. So we started the treatment and she began....I sat across from her trying to compose myself. 

I was just watching her write throigh tear stained pages, I've never really seen her upset for this amount of time. I went back over to her....I explained that so many have struggles, we have our own...she is normal she can do anything she wants. Talked to her about fighting for a cure and what that could mean for her. Talked about hope and finding it always. She desperately wants a friend to talk with..I told her how many people in the world have cf. She can now understand numbers and place value do she seemed to be pacified by that. Ofcourse she apoligized for making me cry, she is such an angel. 

I never imagined I would be living the life I am. Never imagined I'd be fighting for my child's life. Never imagined her pain would be from my genetic makeup. I had never heard of cf when I had her. Never knew a soul who dealt with it. And as the years went by I became familiarized with the medical side (which is no walk in the park) but the layers that are being revealed to me as we age are often more than I can bear. I read a blog today about giving it to god. I could never bear it on my own. I pray for stength bc I am weary lord. I know he helps me to say the right things because she often feels better after we have it out. But I am left feeling like I battled it out and lost all my company-men and am left alone to deal and pick up the peices. I know it's not true, I have so many to help me through. But just as Ayla feels no one really gets it. I am with her...this is our bond, the one we never asked for but as special as they come.....

Life is hard

There are days that make the others

Worth it. There are days that you can't wait to see end. Those days for me usually are filled with thoughts of the unknown...questioning God's plan and why I am who I am.

Seems like so much of this life is filled with pain. People are losing people they love every day, some having lived long fulfilled lives and others fires were snubbed out to soon.

I ask myself why should you be any different? Because I'm a believer I should be without pain. I used to believe this lie. I know that life will be hard I will struggle to get through it.

I'll try to look in my daughters eyes and just see beauty instead of sadness. I'll try to be sensitive to others struggles and not compare them to my own. I'll try to be ok with the mother, wife, daughter, person that I am instead of feeling guilty. 

I take heart in knowing that I have my god my higher power to call on when I am low. When the days turn to weeks or my load is much to bear...

I know that the power to change it all is in his hands. I also have seem that his time is better than mine. Knowing these lessons hasn't made it any easier to wait on him. 

My miracle, my one wish isn't to have a million dollars or sing on the biggest stage. It's healing, true healing for Ayla. A life not stifled by disease and heartache. For all my children to outlive me...and be happy and be in love. 

Lately there are so many reminders of what cf can do to us, what it steals from us...its so hard to think clearly and positively. 

Most of the attacks on our lives come before our greatest triumph right?! I sure hope in the coming weeks, months, years we have some good news to report....this momma needs a breakthrough....

So I felt like writing today.......

Hospital admissions are a lot like a mutual breakup. Your glad to see them go but still learned a lot from the experience. This last admission was not a tune up so it was different but still had it's challenges.

Anytime you put a 7 year old in a hospital and expose her to numerous tests and procedures as a mom you know your in for heartache. But with CF its a necessary evil and one that gets more frequent as they age. 

It's hard for me to keep those thoughts out of my mind, you know the kind:

-have our best years passed us by?

-what will her future look like?

-when will she know what she's dealing with?

This stay we learned that Ayla is doing very well, she basically got a full work up. Ultrasound, EKG, chest xray, bronch, ENT check up, and pft...and all of these tests were normal. Her liver and pancreas looked perfect which are major concerns. Her Dr. Is still concerned with the amount of illness' she's had this past year, therefore she is recommending homeschool again. For me this is pretty scary. I feel like I'm unable to do all that's required of me at times. I want my kids to have the best of everything and homeschool is quite challenging. 

I know I will make it work, and figure out what's right for us. But it's a daunting task.

During our stay I spent some time in ICU since that's where the bronch'd over the weekend. Wow, that is a hard place to be as a parent. I could roam the halls hearing the vest's shaking the CF patients lungs. I tried to keep my head down but you want to look and it's so hard to see these children lying there, almost lifeless. One appeared to be post transplant. 

Another instance when we went to have her lung function test done, we had to wait until the room was clear. A teen came out in a wheel chair her iv pole in tow and face masked. I knew she had cf too. She didn't make eye contact. She seemed so sad. She had brown hair, I couldn't help but wonder if this was The grown version of Ayla. 

It became overwhelming and I excused myself to the bathroom so I could "lose it" in private. In those instances I can only pray for help. I need strength and I can't make it through on my own. After a few minutes I went out to cheer Ayla on for her lung function test. She needs me to be strong, and I need her to be a kid. Two things that in this life are far harder to come by than I ever imagined....